Nathaniel's Arrival - Part Two

   Even though my labor at the hospital was a shorter amount of time, there was quite a bit that happened. So this post took a bit longer to write out. Some of the details may be unnecessary for you to know, but I wanted to write out as much as I remembered as it was still fresh in my mind for myself.

   My plan was to have a home birth and not need to go to the hospital, unless absolutely necessary, but I am so incredibly grateful for the access we have to medical care and that we had such a positive  birth experience at the hospital. Nathaniel's birth was actually the exact opposite of what I wanted and almost all the things I wanted to avoid were necessary to bring him into the world safely and healthy. I think God greatly humbled me in my skepticism and prejudice towards hospital births. Beforehand I thought I was a pretty neutral person towards how someone chose to birth. I felt that home birth was best for me and our baby, but also the best and healthiest option for any healthy pregnancy. I found out that I was actually quite judgmental in my knowledge and opinion of how someone birthed. Experiencing both my unmedicated labor at home as well as a medicated labor in the hospital and a c-section, I realize that there is value and strength and beauty in any way a child is brought into the world.

   So here is the rest of our birth story.

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Nathaniel's Arrival - Part One

     Motherhood is different when you finally experience it. I knew it would be difficult and that we'd be running on little sleep, but you can't truly understand it until you're in it. I knew I would be writing and documenting our birth story, not just to share with others but to record it for myself as well. Since our experience did not quite go as planned I definitely knew I had to get it out because God humbled me through it and made me put my trust in His plan even more. This is the detailed version of our birth experience, part one. We were prepared for a home birth, but that is not exactly what happened. There was so much that happened in each stage that I want to capture it all without it being overwhelming in one post. So there will be a second post to follow soon that will share the second half of our birth story.

     I figured that my water breaking would take me by surprise, but what I didn’t expect was to be sitting on the toilet when it happened. Talk about being in the right place at the right time. It was 5:15 on Thanksgiving morning that my water broke. Being pregnant kind of imposes on your bladder already, so my normal trip to the bathroom turned into baby Cowan being ready to make his or her’s arrival soon. Knowing that it could be several hours until I was actually in active labor and that there was no need to notify the midwives so early in the morning, Anthony and I got back in bed and I tried to get a few more hours of sleep. Before getting back in bed though, Anthony tossed confetti on me to celebrate saying, “Yay! Your water broke!” Going back to sleep was impossible for me though as I could feel contractions beginning and of course the excitement of getting to meet our baby soon.

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A Birthday Surprise

It is March 23 when I begin writing this. Which means it's one day away from being a week that I got the best surprise of my life. I have been in utter disbelief and joy since that day. And I pray that it only keeps getting better.

A week ago today, March 23, I was expecting another cycle to start. It felt like a normal day, no extra stress or anxiety, just waiting. I'm familiar with the fact that my cycle has not been "normal" or predictable for literal YEARS. So there are some days that I don't get too stressed about it and can be patient. And there are some days that I break down because my period is a day late, but I still get a negative pregnancy test and I get worried that all my progress is regressing.

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Not My Mother's Day

Sometimes the struggle is too real, the pain too raw, the happiness too fake. People ask innocent questions that bring up all the emotions that come with trying to have a family. And when I tell them it has taken much longer than we expected I hear the same things. "Don't stress out about it" they say. "It'll happen when it's suppose to happen." "Stop 'trying' and you'll get pregnant." "God's got a plan for you."

I know you mean well, I know you're trying to be encouraging, but you aren't the first to tell me this. And if you're someone new that has asked "when are you having kids" it's hard to tell you what's going on because I already know your answer, your suggestions. But unfortunately they don't help. They don't calm the anxiety, they don't take away this overwhelming desire to be a mom. Your advice has yet to produce a positive pregnancy test.

And I don't blame you, at all. I know you don't know what to say or do, especially when getting pregnant seems so easy to every single person around us. Maybe you've had your own, or pregnant with another. You have friends and family, married and unmarried, getting pregnant with ease. And I'm happy for you, for them, those that get to be mothers; whether they are good mothers or not. I see the gift that you have, the laughter, joy, and tears that your children bring you. The way you adore their dirty little hands and faces. Their personalities can light up the darkest of days for you and overflow your heart with love. And I enjoy them too, I do, I promise. But spending time with your littles, only makes me feel better for a little. And then I'm left wondering "When will I get to be a mom?"

"Enjoy time with your husband now, because once you have kids everything changes." I 100% understand that. Kids make spending time together a little...different. It's not as easy to run to the grocery store, plan date night, or see friends. Even sleep and sex become more strategic and planned. I do enjoy my husband and the time we get to spend together kid free. But trying to get pregnant also becomes strategic, stressful, emotional and draining. Some days I just want to give up trying, it becomes all too much and my efforts seems pointless. But that only lasts a second when I realize that tracking and waiting and planning is the only part of this that I actually have control over. If I stop doing my half of the work then maybe I make it impossible for God to bless us with a child. Yeah, like I can really make something impossible for God. But that is the only piece of the puzzle that I have in this plan. I don't have the map of our life, the one God can see. So if I just keep driving this car, in the middle of the night with my no headlights, maybe I'll just find the right "bump" in the road.

So I laugh. I make jokes, I shrug it off, I hide. Because feeling all the other emotions becomes too much sometimes. It's awkward to cry in front of those who don't know what's going on. It's hard to pour out your heart when someone asks "how are you" and doesn't expect you to have a melt down. I don't want you to throw me a pity party, but I want you to know I'm struggling. To know that your questions bring up those emotions, making it harder to swallow.

I want to be a mom. With every fiber in my entire being. I want children. I want sticky finger prints on my walls, mud pies with my dinner, life inside my own belly, boo-boos to kiss better, diapers to change, tummies to tickle, grandparents to spoil my kiddos, toys to step on in the middle of the night, a heartbeat on an ultrasound, announcements and celebrations, babies to tuck in and watch as they slumber.

So today I ask for prayers, for understanding, for compassion. Please do not ask when we will have kids, because my honest answer is "I don't know." Be gentle in your conversation about motherhood, because what you may hate may be something someone is longing for. Pray for moms that are struggling with parenting, for women that want to be moms so desperately, and women that have been moms to you or your children. I have friends that I would do anything for their children, as if they were my own. And I don't want you to be afraid to ask me "How are you? Really?" Just be prepared to hold me if I cry or cry with me (preferably not in public). I would love to share my heart with you and have more people to support and comfort me. We could all use more of that on our darkest of days.

I know that I am not the only one that has had a longer than intended pregnancy journey. It has only been a year of trying for us, others have tried for years and years with several miscarriages. I pray that that is not the road we will be going down. I know that God hears my cries and sees the desires in my heart. I know that He only wants goodness for me. And I pray that we will someday have a family of our own.

If you have struggled with infertility, please don't be afraid to speak up. If you have any true advice to give, books or doctors to recommend, please feel free to do so. Thank you so much for being here today. You are so loved.

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