I've had this post title drafted for SEVERAL months now, but haven't written anything in it yet. I'm not sure why. I like to think I'm pretty open about my life and things I'm going through, but maybe just for a little while I wanted to keep this to myself. Try to sort it all out and actually get something working for me. I've talked about it on Facebook already and my close friends and family know the situation and ask for updates. I guess I just have been enjoying my life and feeling each emotion as they come. Because over the last several months I have had a multitude of emotions. Let me give you a little bit of backstory....
After marriage, Anthony knew that I wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom and have a big family pretty quickly. It wasn't like he was unaware of what I wanted to do with my life, we both wanted me to be a stay-at-home-mom. Anthony wanted to wait at least a year before we started trying though, and I struggled through that for a bit. Then I found out that I needed to get my wisdom teeth pulled before trying to get pregnant because it's a major surgery. So that also caused us to wait even longer before we began trying to get pregnant. I had my wisdom teeth removed in May of 2016 and we waited until about June or July to stop using contraception.
Everyone talks about how you shouldn't have unprotected sex unless you're prepared to have a baby. Because you know getting pregnant is so easy and hard to avoid and unprotected sex leads to a baby like 99% of the time. I say that sarcastically, but really if you have a healthy, normal functioning body then it probably is fairly easy to get pregnant. But even still you have to have intercourse in this specific window of time in order for your body to release an egg that will be fertilized and become a human child in 9 months time. This is called ovulation, and although the egg only survives for 24 hours, sperm can live up 3-5 days and can fertilize this egg even 5 days after intercourse. So this 5 day window can be fairly easy to miss or track if you ovulate regularly and understand your body fairly well. Which I guess could be why young women get pregnant on accident, because really if you're going to have unprotected sex you could just track your cycle well enough to avoid this fertile window and avoid an unwanted pregnancy.
We thought that within the first few months of having unprotected sex it would result in a pregnancy. But after several months, several negative pregnancy tests, and several missed & irregular periods, we realized that this was not going to be easy for us. We wanted to give it a full year of attempt before consulting a doctor. So a full year of frustration, disappointment, wishful thinking, and crushed dreams goes by. Since being married, I hadn't found a new gynecologist that I was comfortable with. My husband would always rather do things the natural and healthy way, instead of using pharmaceuticals to treat a symptom of the root issue. I wanted to find a doctor that would understand my frustration, concern and my wish to try a natural alternative before prescribing any medications.
Before I even began thinking about finding a doctor, I was very well aware that I might have a hormonal disorder known as polycystic ovarian syndrome, or PCOS. My menstrual cycles were getting further apart as we continued trying for a baby. I even began skipping periods completely, which I never had happen before. So I knew that something was going on with my body and I was already fairly certain I knew what it was.
Once I decided on a doctor, I made an appointment to have my yearly exam and also talk to her about my issues with my cycles and conceiving. My exam came back normal, as per usual, and I told her about the problems we had conceiving the past year and the changes in my cycle. I had a list of things I thought might be the issue or that I wanted to make sure we tested for. Once I told her that my periods were basically nonexistent, her first suggestion was that it could be PCOS. She told me what she wanted to test for and slowly checked off each item that was on my list I wanted to bring up. I felt relieved that I had a doctor that was concerned about my body and wanted to hit all the bases to see what was going on.
My first set of blood work was done middle of August 2017, a full year since we had started trying to conceive. I got my results about a week after my blood was taken and I was told that all but one of my tests came back "normal." They wanted me to come back in to take another blood test and check my ovaries on an ultrasound. At this point I hadn't been diagnosed with PCOS, but having my test results I knew that my levels were off and consistent with PCOS, I was just waiting for a diagnosis. I knew that my ultrasound would be the clearest indicator of PCOS.
I received a call in September that my ultrasound had indicated that I did have PCOS and that my doctor wanted to set up an appointment to go over the options I had in going forward. Whenever I heard the nurse tell me I had PCOS it didn't surprise me. I wasn't caught off guard, I was expecting it actually. But I was numb when she told me, like it was no problem at all. Once I hung up though, I just sat in silence. "I have PCOS. I was just diagnosed with PCOS. This is my life now." And in just one week I was flooded with all sorts of emotions, and I still am sometimes.
I let myself be sad, to morn the babies I thought I would have by now. I stayed in bed for three days, I skipped church maybe once or twice, I didn't want to do anything, I didn't want to see anyone. I just wanted to be sad. But I also wanted to be strong. I wanted to ignore this new information, to pretend that I was normal, that everything was okay and that being a mom wasn't important to me. I was so torn up, pulled in every direction. I knew that this diagnosis didn't mean that I would never kids, that it was impossible for me to get pregnant. I knew that it was just going to be harder to conceive and that if I wanted to do things the natural way, that I would have to make some big changes in my lifestyle.
And although it's been over 6 months since being diagnosed, that is still basically where I am at. After September I had purchased some different supplements and have done tons of research and just educating myself on PCOS and the root cause of my symptoms. Between family functions, holidays, and eating out with friends, I haven't been able to properly take care of myself through my diet. I have had time to change my lifestyle in other ways though, I just haven't committed myself to it yet. Partially because I'm afraid that no matter what I do I'll fail, or that I won't be able to stick to it. But I know that I have to start somewhere and that it may take months, maybe years, until I'm able to conceive. And it may not even be naturally, but I pray that it is.
So this is the start to our journey. It's going to be incredibly hard and frustrating, but I know that with God's help and my husband's support, we will get through this hurdle. And I want to share my journey here so I can document our story and have this to look back on. And I want to help anyone that may be struggling with PCOS and infertility, too. It's not an easy path, but it's not impossible. Especially with a little hope, faith, and God.
♥️ Praying for you and Ant during this time!
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