Tears at Church on Father's Day // Life With PCOS

Last year I wrote a post titled Not My Mother's Day. It was about my struggles and sadness about our difficulty conceiving. It was very much from my heart, and I remember crying as I wrote that post. This Mother's Day, although it did have an undertone of sadness for me, I wasn't overwhelmed with what feels like a lost. Honestly, I don't quite remember what we did on Mother's Day specifically or what our church service was even about. So it was a good day apparently.

Father's Day this year was an unexpected day of emotions, though. It was a foul ball right to the chest as I was watching birds fly by. And possibly the first time I've cried in public and at church.

It started out as a great morning, I woke up early enough to get my makeup on and dressed for church ON TIME. And I was looking forward to celebrating Father's Day with the Cowan fam out at the farm. Which included lots of delicious food!

I didn't expect the sermon at church to pull on my heart as much as it did though. It was fine honoring the dads and granddads in the church, having them stand and our church making a donation to a local organization. They did the same thing for Mother's Day to a different organization. It was nice.

Then the sermon began.

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Not My Mother's Day

Sometimes the struggle is too real, the pain too raw, the happiness too fake. People ask innocent questions that bring up all the emotions that come with trying to have a family. And when I tell them it has taken much longer than we expected I hear the same things. "Don't stress out about it" they say. "It'll happen when it's suppose to happen." "Stop 'trying' and you'll get pregnant." "God's got a plan for you."

I know you mean well, I know you're trying to be encouraging, but you aren't the first to tell me this. And if you're someone new that has asked "when are you having kids" it's hard to tell you what's going on because I already know your answer, your suggestions. But unfortunately they don't help. They don't calm the anxiety, they don't take away this overwhelming desire to be a mom. Your advice has yet to produce a positive pregnancy test.

And I don't blame you, at all. I know you don't know what to say or do, especially when getting pregnant seems so easy to every single person around us. Maybe you've had your own, or pregnant with another. You have friends and family, married and unmarried, getting pregnant with ease. And I'm happy for you, for them, those that get to be mothers; whether they are good mothers or not. I see the gift that you have, the laughter, joy, and tears that your children bring you. The way you adore their dirty little hands and faces. Their personalities can light up the darkest of days for you and overflow your heart with love. And I enjoy them too, I do, I promise. But spending time with your littles, only makes me feel better for a little. And then I'm left wondering "When will I get to be a mom?"

"Enjoy time with your husband now, because once you have kids everything changes." I 100% understand that. Kids make spending time together a little...different. It's not as easy to run to the grocery store, plan date night, or see friends. Even sleep and sex become more strategic and planned. I do enjoy my husband and the time we get to spend together kid free. But trying to get pregnant also becomes strategic, stressful, emotional and draining. Some days I just want to give up trying, it becomes all too much and my efforts seems pointless. But that only lasts a second when I realize that tracking and waiting and planning is the only part of this that I actually have control over. If I stop doing my half of the work then maybe I make it impossible for God to bless us with a child. Yeah, like I can really make something impossible for God. But that is the only piece of the puzzle that I have in this plan. I don't have the map of our life, the one God can see. So if I just keep driving this car, in the middle of the night with my no headlights, maybe I'll just find the right "bump" in the road.

So I laugh. I make jokes, I shrug it off, I hide. Because feeling all the other emotions becomes too much sometimes. It's awkward to cry in front of those who don't know what's going on. It's hard to pour out your heart when someone asks "how are you" and doesn't expect you to have a melt down. I don't want you to throw me a pity party, but I want you to know I'm struggling. To know that your questions bring up those emotions, making it harder to swallow.

I want to be a mom. With every fiber in my entire being. I want children. I want sticky finger prints on my walls, mud pies with my dinner, life inside my own belly, boo-boos to kiss better, diapers to change, tummies to tickle, grandparents to spoil my kiddos, toys to step on in the middle of the night, a heartbeat on an ultrasound, announcements and celebrations, babies to tuck in and watch as they slumber.

So today I ask for prayers, for understanding, for compassion. Please do not ask when we will have kids, because my honest answer is "I don't know." Be gentle in your conversation about motherhood, because what you may hate may be something someone is longing for. Pray for moms that are struggling with parenting, for women that want to be moms so desperately, and women that have been moms to you or your children. I have friends that I would do anything for their children, as if they were my own. And I don't want you to be afraid to ask me "How are you? Really?" Just be prepared to hold me if I cry or cry with me (preferably not in public). I would love to share my heart with you and have more people to support and comfort me. We could all use more of that on our darkest of days.

I know that I am not the only one that has had a longer than intended pregnancy journey. It has only been a year of trying for us, others have tried for years and years with several miscarriages. I pray that that is not the road we will be going down. I know that God hears my cries and sees the desires in my heart. I know that He only wants goodness for me. And I pray that we will someday have a family of our own.

If you have struggled with infertility, please don't be afraid to speak up. If you have any true advice to give, books or doctors to recommend, please feel free to do so. Thank you so much for being here today. You are so loved.

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When I Grow Up...

  My birthday is coming up at the end of this month and I'm feeling all sorts of ways about it. I'm pretty excited for another birthday for several reasons: I love to party and hang out with my favorite people, one of my top love languages is gifts so I like getting surprises on my bday, good food and cake, and maybe I like being the center of attention sometimes. I'm also a little weary to be turning 25 for other reasons: I have a college degree that I feel like was useless, I still have the hardest time waking up before 9am, I haven't reached any dreams or goals I've set for myself (blogging, health, YouTube, writing a book, etc.), and I am pretty lazy when it comes to cleaning our home. Well, I want to air out some of my goals and fears here, whether I reach them this year or in 20 years, so maybe this will make you feel a little better about not reaching your goals yet. Or maybe you have, so my lack of trying can make you feel better too. :P

  I have this passion to write and share with people. I don't know why but I've always enjoyed sharing my life and experiences with people, but also connecting with them personally and listening to their own life journeys. There are several different ways that I imagine doing that. 

  First is this blog. I want to share my life, hobbies, and worries so I can connect with people that have the same things going on in their lives. I want people to feel loved and cared for and to feel a little less alone in this big world, even if it's only through words on a screen. 

  Second is writing a book. For the past couple years I've had this dream of writing an autobiography. Now, I'm only a 25 year-old mid-western girl. I think that my life story isn't anything out of the ordinary, but I want to share my personal experiences in different areas of my life in book form and I think it would be one of the coolest things to accomplish. 

  My final wish to connect and share with others is through YouTube. I have enjoyed watching beauty gurus and comedians on YouTube for several years and I would love to be on the other side of the screen, but being on camera is much harder than typing out thoughts. And I know that recording, editing, and promoting is such a long process and much harder than it seems.

  I also want live a healthy life. Now I don't just mean eating healthy and working out. I want to create healthy every day habits: getting good sleep, waking up consistently, skincare, having healthy relationships, pursuing God daily. 

  I have friends that are in different life stages: parents, married, single, working full time. So it can be hard to get together or make time to connect with them. I have been working on getting enough sleep and waking up at the same time every day. But seriously falling asleep is hard for me and waking up is hard, but I love the sleeping in between. The eating healthy and working out is pretty difficult for me too. I can't ever seem to stick to a workout routine, and eating healthy takes quite a bit of planning. Mostly all of these things take commitment and being intentional about my time and where I spend it.

  I want to be a better wife and homemaker. I don't want a 9-5 job for the rest of my life. Once we start having children I would like to be a stay at home mom and even homeschool my children. Now, I know that being a stay at home mom is a huge undertaking, cleaning, cooking, entertaining and keeping people alive 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. So since we don't have little minions running around the house yet, I want to start improving on my current homemaking skills. 

  I'm not the best cook, I tend to leave things sitting on the table longer than necessary, I could vacuum and dust more often, and I could spend more quality time with my husband doing something other than watching tv. I know that once we have a home with kids running around things will get chaotic and sometimes the dishes have to be left for another day, or someone might need more snuggles and the clothes have to be folded tomorrow. So I want to take better care of my husband and home now, before our schedules and lives change when kids enter the picture.

  I want to travel more. This can happen in all stages of my life, but I would love to get to see more of this world and have new experiences. I feel like I've done more travelling than I ever dreamed of doing already, but now that my husband has taken me to Mexico and Australia I've got a bad case of wonderlust. It seems so funny though, because as much as I want to travel the world and see new things, I'm also excited to have a house full of kids out in the country one day. And both of those dreams can be mighty expensive, so I'll have to plan those out the best that I can!

  I guess my next step in tackling these goals and dreams is to set some sort of plan into action. I need to make attainable goals that I can reach every day, that can get me one step closer to my dreams. I love organizational tools and making lists, so I'm going to jump in and start searching Pinterest for ideas. (That's what everyone does right?) 

  I wanted to share my dreams and faults with you though because life can be overwhelming. On social media people only post and share their best selves, and that's not real. So here I am, all my messy and laziness all over this blog post! And now I can get out there and start working harder to attain these goals!

  Let me know what dreams and goals you have. Are yours similar to mine? Have you achieved one of these things that you can give me pointers on? Please talk to me in the comments! Thanks for being here!

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